In this issue:
- Happy New Year
- Fasta Santa
- A dog is just for Christmas
- Topical Lord of the Rings stuff
- My Spelling Chequer
- Internet to the kitchen
- Make Money on the Internet
- Oh, it all makes work for the bloke on his PC
- Quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog…
The December period was somewhat chaotic for us so I'm afraid we didn't manage to get our traditional non-news newsletter out for Christmas, so instead, here is this months collection of funnies for the New Year.
So, I hope you had a merry Xmas, hope you're going to have a great new year.
Normal, technical stuff, will be back in the next newsletter.
See http://www.c2000.com/products for more information
Topic: Christmas time, is here...
From: TechnoAtheist
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
I don't think Santa likes me anymore.
I just kind of figured that Santa must be getting a bit old lately, and since my chimney would be a tight fit even for a squirrel, it wouldn't hurt if I just kind of added a bit of lubrication to the sides. So I just smeared a bit of a mixture of petrolium jelly, WD-40 and graphite on the lining of the shaft.
Well, that got me thinking that he might get confused (what with the advanced age and all, and accidentally take the wrong turn and wind up in my sewer system. So to help guide him on his way, I installed a bit of a magnetic coil system to help guide him along. Unfortunately, the only system I had on hand was some leftovers they had over at the Stanford Linear Accelerator Center. So I kinda wired them up and got them going pretty good. I guess my first tip off was the fact that most of the lights in the neighborhood dimmed, but I guess I just kind of ignored it.
I really don't know what happened next. I remember waking up and vaguely hearing hoofbeats on my roof, and then this muffled sound, but when I woke up this morning. There was no evidence that santa had come. The cookies and milk was untouched, and there were no presents under my tree. The only things that were unusual were that most of my living room is covered in bits of red and white material (mostly red) and there's this huge dent in the bottom of my hearth.
Funny thing is that he left his sleigh. . .
See http://www.c2000.com/fun for more information
A DOG IS JUST FOR CHRISTMAS
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Topic: Re: OT The Guilty Pleasures Thread
From: "Mark Alan Miller"
Newsgroups: rec.arts.mystery
wrote in message
> I have the ultimate indulgence and bought a puppy for Christmas.
A goose or turkey is more traditional, but indulge away.
See http://www.c2000.com/fun for more information
TOPICAL LORD OF THE RINGS STUFF
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Subject: Re: LoTR tie in
From: corvus-marinus
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Organization: The First Church of Vogelism (Reformed)
James A. Wolf wrote in message
(on the topic of Lord of the Rings Tie-ins)
> Three drinks for the Burger Kings under the sky,
> Seven burger for the Dwarves who are stoned,
> Ninety million consumers doomed to buy,
> One cut for the Dark Lord, the franchise he owns
> In the land of Mordor where the Whoppers lie.
> Onion ring to rule them all, onion ring to dine them
> Onion ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
> In the land of Mordor where the Whoppers lie.
Sampo wrote:
> I was in BK the other day and there on the counter was
> a pile of those little cardboard Burger King crowns they
> put on little kids, and I realized they've put together
> a LOTR-flavored version of it that prominently features
> the ring-inscription! For those who don't know, the writing
> on the ring is in language of Mordor, which is considered
> an abomination. It's a little like creating kids' party hats
> that have pentagrams and "666" on it....
>
Corvus wrote:
Bah! We of the Mordor Anti-Defamation Society take exception to your craven kowtowing to the Istari party line. "An abomination" indeed. What did Sauron ever do that was so bad? He made some rings! They're just jealous because we got all the cool stuff and they didn't. We got the Balrog, the Barrow-Wights, the Ringwraiths, the giant spider, the Orcs, the Palantir, the volcano, the Watcher in the Water...what do they have?
Talking trees! Ooh, real impressive. I think I saw those on the Muppet Show once.
Mordor Rules! Gondor Drools!
See http://www.c2000.com/fun for more information
I know it's old, but when it was recently posted on one of the web forums we run I and then received a follow-up I thought I'd re-post here for posterity.
From: Jo
Topic: _Spelling checker checker_
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're laks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too please.
From: Lawrence
High Jo,
Aye am four ever in oar of yew! Aunt yew a won!
Yaw poet tree is stew penned us and gave grate sat is fact shone. Yew Mustafa big eye queue two bee a bell too man you fact your rime in suture stile! Eye amphora good reed awl the thyme.
Thee lac of jar gone and tern of frays reef flecked well on yaw mined. Won is gel us of yaw purse pick ass city and in site. Such verb all pie roe tech nicks! Ah yew a universe city stew dent or mere lea a Jo vial aver age sought of geyser? Witch ever, yew will bee a here row too awl in the whorled of wry ting. Must flea, knot a mow meant Toulouse.
A dew, a dew 2 yew!
(Will beef or ever won derring-do yew have a gnat or all bent. Know knead too right back though the bawl is in yaw caught. Buy buy)
See http://www.c2000.com/fun for more information
Topic: Re: Programming in School
From: Steve O'Hara-Smith
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
On Fri, 12 Oct 2001 13:18:55 -0400
Eric Sosman wrote:
ES> Without the electronics, how would you download security
ES> patches and updated virus scanners for your Internet-enabled
ES> fridge?
My fridge will not be internet enabled until there is downloadable food. My oven gets a connection when it can actually follow a recipe without help. Until then the net can stay out of the kitchen.
I have a similar problem with online banking - they refuse to ship a cash dispenser peripheral and my printer isn't up to the job either.
See http://www.c2000.com/fun for more information
MAKE MONEY ON THE INTERNET
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From: C.H. Kelley
Newsgroups: alt.stop.spamming, alt.spam, alt.kill.spammers
Dear Good People of the English Speaking Community Worldwide:
This past weekend I noticed that I had several emails in my inbasket that needed disposition of one kind or another. Several of them were consigned to the bit bucket while others were retained. As I was reading them, I noticed that the one that was attached below had somehow escaped my timely scrutiny for which I am known to dispense to important matters such as this.
As I read this one, I realized that there might be some people out there who have read my previous posts about business opportunities, but who did not call the number to act on them. This might be due to people being skeptical, or it might be due to them having already called one of the numbers previously, and thus were making so much money that they did not feel the need to call any more numbers.
For those of you who have not called the numbers I've posted previously, you might wish to give this appended message the same amount of serious consideration that I know that you have given to my previous posts.
This message is not about making money. Instead, it's about getting out of debt. Chances are that if you never called any of the numbers about those wonderful honest ethical legitimate home-based business opportunities, that you'll be needing to call this one. You're probably well into the red right now and you don't know the way out. Now I could give you the "I told you so" lecture, but you don't need that from me.
What you need to do is call this toll free number, if you have a legitimate need to do so.
Now in the past I've had to deliver sermons about the evils of payphone abuse. I have never encouraged anyone to call numbers like this from a payphone. I think in this case, I can make a very narrow exception: if you're into debt and your home phone has been disconnected, then it is perfectly all right to go to a payphone and call this number *once*. I don't think the nice people who sent this to me would mind you doing that.
What they would mind, is an army of self-appointed anti-spammers going out to payphones and calling this number hundreds of times. If that were to happen, then the nice people who sent this to me would also go into debt, and they'd be where some of you are at right now.
Being deeply in debt is no fun at all. People who are in debt have to shoplift dogfood from the grocery store because they can't afford ground round. They have to use their socks because they can't afford toilet paper. They have to huddle around trash can fires at night, shivering to keep warm. I don't know about you, but I would feel real bad if the nice people who sent this to me had to go into debt, all because a bunch of hooligans decided to go out and hog up all the payphones to call this number hundreds of times.
Therefore it is most important that this number never be abused from a payphone. I'd like to encourage those of you who care about payphone abuse, to go out every evening, and patrol the payphones in your neighborhood. If you see someone approach the payphone, ask them to not call this number from it. If they look at you funny, then tell them you're doing this because it would bother you if some spammer had to use his socks because he couldn't afford toilet paper. No one can argue against that point, and I guarantee you that you will be taken in the same serious light that the people reading this post will take me.
If you do your part to prevent payphone abuse, you will become a better citizen, and people will look up to you. They will talk about you to all their friends and relatives. Your friends will be so in awe of you, that they will get the word out to everyone about the new person that you've become.
Damn, it's getting late, and this bottle of Moosehead is empty, and I think I am running out of capable coherent thought. Perhaps it's time to call it a night.
In the meantime, I would like to thank you for reading this post, and giving it the same serious consideration that I also know that you will give to the message appended below. I wish you a most successful and prosperous week. Don't forget to pet a dog or a cat, and to be a good Joe or a good Jane.
very best regards,
C.H. Kelley
Hero of the Innocent Spammers
See http://www.c2000.com/fun for more information
OH, IT ALL MAKES WORK FOR THE BLOKE ON HIS PC
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Topic: Oh, it all makes work for the bloke on his pc
From: Roger Watson
Newsgroups: uk.education.staffroom
T'was on a Saturday morning thought I'd play a sound cd
But the sound card wouldn't play it so I had a quick look-see.
I uninstalled the drivers and configured sound that way
When my TV card got stroppy and decided not to play
The picture went all grainy and an echo had appeard
So I re-installed the TV card and then things got pretty weird
The telephone and fax device thought it owned all the show
So I unistalled the modem just to prove it wasn't so
I gave it some new drivers and a device to mix the voice
But the graphics card didn't like them so I had to make a choice
I could have a picture but I couldn't have the fax
I was seriously thinking I'd configure with an axe
About this time I noticed my cd was playing well
But I'd lost contact with the modem and the fax had gone to hell
I re-installed the modem and removed a media device
But the sound had gone forever and my TV wasn't nice (all grainy)
I disabled my on-board sound port and removed all drivers found
Then I reinstalled my Windows to see if I'd get a sound
The sound came back, the CD works, the modem's back on line
But the TV card sound's sulking but the picture's look quite fine
I quit while I was winning but I've lost my TV sound
So tomorrow if I'm not busy I may go back around.
Roger :o)
(believe it)
See http://www.c2000.com/fun for more information
QUICK BROWN FOX JUMPS OVER THE LAZY DOG…
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Topic: Quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog ...
From: George Hardy
Newsgroups: alt.english.usage
Dr Robin Bignall wrote in message
> Typewriter?
It is a combination keyboard/printer, without the computer. Very old. Known only in museums and failing companies.
See http://www.c2000.com/fun for more information
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