1st April - Funny Issue

- The Spice Girls virus
- Everyone must get stoned!
- Uniplex leads the football league
- Boink!
- Net Jargon and handy Net Insults

THE SPICE GIRLS VIRUS You really don't want to see this!

Now everyone is getting pretty aware of email virus's these days, but the latest virus we've seen is not a virus at all but...

So, the message arrives: "SEE THE SPICE GIRLS", now, sadly nearly all males in this country are going to fall for this.

Next, "Initialising, please wait..." And you notice that your hard disk is doing a lot of work...

Then, "Click OK to confirm removal of c:windows folder".... followed by a screen showing files being removed from said location.

Finally, the advert! This is actually an advert for an upcoming game called Virus and is actually a joke. (although not wildly amusing I grant).

Trouble is, are you going to be safe from a real attack like this?

"Everyone must get stoned" - says Gateway 2000

Meanwhile, waiting on hold at Gateway 2000 gives you a curious insight into the company - already reknowned for being seriously into Fresian cows.

"Everyone must get stoned", goes ol' Bob Dylan himself as their hold music - what are they trying to tell us??

I think hold music should reflect the real state of things, so how about:

"I can't get no (satisfaction)"

"Hanging on the telephone"

"Engaged Tone Blues"

"The Crying Game"

How about your suggestions....

UNIPLEX LEADS THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE!

Yes, I kid you not. Uniplex has held the number 1 slot in the "Microscope Fantasy Football League" for weeks now!

The "Uniplex 11 Plus" (sic) are managed by keith Larkin and were a couple of weeks ago a massive 30 points ahead of the pack in the FF League, but their lead was cut to a mere 6 points recently after a couple of bad decisions in team fielding...

However, Keiths' Uniplex 11 Plus are still as favourites for when the league closes.

The Microscope league is played by assorted individuals from a range of computer companies - just for your edification some of the names are:

"The Chick Magnets" - Dane-Elec
"Lambs to the Slaughter" - Ingram Micro
"Let Me Win or I'll Cry" - Dane-Elec
"Lardy FC" - Ingram Micro
"Grabme Nuts FC" - Ingram Micro
Subtle lot aren't they?

BOINK!

You probably heard on the TV or Radio recently the virus that zapped the US Govt, NASA, US Navy and a whole bunch of other key US computer facilities. What was less widely publicised that the virus was called "Boink!"

Boink! was set to attach NT boxes, and incidentally could have been just as effective in the UK. (What is this virus week or something?)

But, what set me thinking was that maybe the Fantasy Football league and the Virus writers ought to get together on names....

NETJARGON or handy internet acronyms for insults and other uses

BITSLAG

All the useless junk you have to dig through to find the interesting stuff on the net.

COBWEB

A web page that hasn't been updated in months

CRAPPLET

A badly written or useless JAVA Applet

404

Someone who is "not in", as in the Web message "404 Document Not Found", meaning the requested file could not be located

GANGFAQ

When many newsgroup writers send the same FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) to someone who asks a particularly stupid and frequently answered question

GURU SITE

A genuinely useful site, put together by someone who really knows their stuff

HIT SLUT

A webmaster obsessed with the number of hits his/her site gets (without caring about the quality)

EMG

Empty Magnanimous Gesture (and we've all had a few of those)

TERD

TERminally Dense (usually applied to a person)

PEBCAK

A traditional support reference, means "Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard"

BITERATI

Those who endlessly search round the web looking for pictures of celebs.

SNIPPETS FROM THE WEB

On Political Correctness:

Any sufficiently advanced form of political correctness is indistinguishable from irony.

On Internet Access Speeds:

=="Sam" >sam-001@-----.ml.org< wrote:
==
== The performance from their web server
== is still abysmal.  I get the
== impression that they are running off
== an ISDN line.  It's that bad.

Hah. In Scotland we have two well trained celts, holding a yoghurt pot and piece of string, repeating the screeching noises made by a 300/1200 baud modem connected to the net by a bit of rusty coathanger and playing out a gramophone horn.

Text doesn't take too long, but pictures are a real pain, especially when Jimmy (who can understand progressive JPEG) is away on the crofts and Dougal has to take over. He can just about manage GIF 87 - he has trouble drawing the pages if there is a background /and/ a transparent GIF.

Binaries are the worst, though. Downloads take years, as each has to UUDecode, type the code out, reverse engineer and recompile before manually burning the code onto CD with a magnifying glass.

IN BRUSSELS:

Subject: Re: Bill Gates gets creamed (literally!)
From: dbromage@metz.une.edu.au (David Bromage)

"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."

"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"

"No"

"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"

"Bill Gates"

"Country?"

"USA"

"Native language?"

"English"

"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"

"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."

"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"

"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."

"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"

"Yes"

"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"

"No"

"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"

"Yes"

"Any pies then?"

"No"

"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."

"Just a minute.." <several minutes pass> "Okay, I'm back."

"Did you get hit by another pie?"

"Of course not"

"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department." <click>

SIGN-OFF

Thanks, back to normal next week with something very boring about computing no doubt....