Once was a time when misuse of office equipment at
Christmas meant messing with the photo-copier, but now you
can email to thousands of people at a time various
stupidities, inanities and other such Christmas fare!
And before you stick your naked bum on your PC's scanner,
don't forget they can't take the weight like the old photo-
copiers, and maybe you should think about a hand-held
scanner instead???
In this issue:
- Some nifty little downloads
- Weird, wild, whacky web sites to visit
- Bill Gates - Ex convict
- Assorted thoughts on Christmas (and James Bond) from the
Internet, most of which are politically incorrect and
probably shouldn't be read by anybody outside of Europe.
- A politically correct Santa poem
GREAT LITTLE CHRISTMAS DOWNLOADS
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In keeping with our tradition of useful, but small,
downloads, we have pleasure in announcing some new items at
http://www.c2000.com/software/
SPLIT MASTER:
A great little utility which takes one big file and splits
it across several diskettes. Then takes several diskettes
and merges them back again.
Really useful for those occasional, but desparate times when
you really need to transfer something large between one
machine and another. No laptop user should be without this
we reckon.
QUICK MONITOR FOR NT
A nifty little NT screen saver module that provides constant
performance monitoring. Pretty much anything you can
monitor using regular NT perfmon utility you can track here
too. But all in screen saver mode. Small and neat.
COMPLETE FRAMING KIT
Not so small, but a complete kit of high quality scans of
both planks and sheets of wood, plus full instructions on
making frames for pictures applicable to nearly all paint
programs.
C2G GRAPHICS TOOLS
Another small but perfectly formed collection of command
line driven graphic files processors. The C2G set is an
ideal tool for webmasters who deal with a lot of images or
image catalogs. the C2G tools can do instant resizing,
scaling, thumbnails, catalogs etc. A small but perfectly
formed download.
WEIRD, WHACKY and WILD WEB SITES
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How about "Beard Research", where Pete Hickey has
experimented in all things beard, including shaving half his
beard off to see whether the beard actually keeps you warmer
in winter!
http://mudhead.uottawa.ca/~pete/beard.html
Or there is "How to repair your PC", an informative guide
to dealing with any recalcitrant PC with such delicate tools
as claw hammers, chainsaws, powertools and axes.
http://www.cpu.lu/~gkes/pcrepair
Or the complete Gaffer Tape! Yep, for network cablers and
roadies alike gaffer tape is the man! Over 1,000 uses,
hints and tips for gaffer tape (or duct tape to americans).
http://intranet.ca/~mdeabreu/ducttape.html
Ever wondered about lyrics such as "The Ants Are My Friends"
from Bob Dylans, "Blowing in the Wind". It's called a
Mondegreen and there is a whole site dedicated to them at
http://www.enteract.com/~jessicar/lyrics
Then there is an organisation I'm seriously considering
sponsering, a site dedicated to those who are stupid to
survive life and help the human race improve the gene pool
bu taking themselves out of it. The Darwin Awards have just
announced there 1998 top 5.
My fave comes from 1997, the chap who made his own bungee
rope out of bungee straps. Measures the distance of the
bridge (70 ft), checks that when his straps are tied to a
tree he will clear the ground. Jumps off. Forgets that
bungee straps are supposed to stretch...
Meanwhile, Captain Pugwash returns to the TV. Which of
course had led to all those jokes about Master Bates and
Seaman Staines and so on, but did you know that Pugwash is
australian (where pugwash was first made) for soixante-neuf?
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/taylornm/Pugwash.htm
to clear up some nasty rumours...
And then there is handbag, the site for Hair And Nails, Diet
Beauty And Gossip. Including "There's a Nun in my Breakfast".
http://www.ling.lancs.ac.uk/monkey/ihe/paul/handbag/home.htm
And finally, the Techno-Impressionist museum, where you can
see how high-explosive sculpting works with paleolithic
impressionist cave paintings. Some quite nice artwork mixed
in with some really fun around art.
http://www.tlc-systems.com/techno/
Suprisingly even now our picture of Bill Gates being hit by
the custard pie in Amsterdam is still a pretty popular page
at the web site, so we thought we'd bring you a piccy of him
when he didn't own enough of Seattle to buy the cops off.
See Billy G in his police photo call at
http://www.c2000.com/fun/gatescon.htm
AS ONE OF CLIENTS REFERRED TO A CERTAIN SOFTWARE COMPANY
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...they couldn't organise an event at which the participants
become deliberately and excessively inebriate in a facility where such
a product is manufactured.
Subject: The Ice Fall Stunt
From: "Mike Feeney"
Newsgroups: alt.fan.james-bond
All kidding aside, I have seen a copy of the shooting
script for Bond 19. Speculations about an ice fall
stunt were apparently right on the money. The opening
teaser does indeed center around what appears to be
the most ambitious stunt ever performed.
Below is a word-for-word copy of the teaser for
Bond 19, taken straight out of the script written by
Purvis and Wade. WARNING: Do not read any further
if you do not want the surprise ruined!
S
P
O
I
L
E
R
S
P
A
C
E
"The Ice Fall Stunt"
To be seen in "The World Is Not Enough"
Starring: Pierce Brosnan as James Bond 007
Meatloaf as Professor Windbreaker
Joe Don Baker as CIA Agent Jack Wade
Desmond Llewelyn as Q
Posh Spice as Tarty Crumpet
Featuring music by Vonda Shepard (the lounge
singer on tv's Ally McBeal)
The Teaser
=========
Location - Mount Herpes, the largest glacier in
Antarctica Crane shot of man ice-climbing Mt. Herpes.
Close up shot reveals it's Bond. He stops midway
through his climb and removes a small canteen from his
backpack. He grabs a small chisel from his belt and
chips away at the glacier in front of him, allowing the ice
fragments to fall into the canteen. "Vodka martini is
always better on the rocks," remarks Bond as he relishes
his trademark drink. Continuing the treacherous climb, he
reaches the top of the glacier only to be standing in front
of what appears to be a giant satellite dish marked
SPECTRE - HBO receiver. "Sorry, Blofeld," mutters
Bond, "but no more free HBO for you. I'm pulling the
plug on your illegal HBO receiver. Stealing movies like
this simply raises the price for the rest of us." Bond
places a small explosive device on the satellite dish and
sets the timer for five minutes.
Suddenly Bond is attacked by a large, furry, white
creature. "Very clever, Blofeld," shouts Bond. "Using
a rare but deadly Yeti to guard your precious HBO
receiver dish." Laughter is then heard over a speaker
system. "Wrong again, 007. The Yeti prefer Showtime
to HBO. This is a genetically engineered snow-bunny.
Trained to kill. And they reproduce like...well, like
rabbits. I have hundreds of them guarding this
installation. Looks like this will be a hare-raising
experience for you, 007!"
The snow-bunny leaps at Bond, teeth snarling. Bond
wrestles with the creature for a moment, and then pulls
a carrot out of his backpack. He tosses the carrot over
the edge of the glacier, and the snow bunny gives chase,
only to slide off the cliff.
"You've killed my favorite snow-bunny, Mr. Bond,"
complains the voice of Blofeld.
"Sorry, but I found that your bunny really - Bugs - me,"
comments Bond. "I think he just landed, too. I heard a
big Fudd."
"I grow weary of your witticisms, Mr. Bond. You have
thwartedmy plans for the last time. Being dropped down
that smokestack was not a pleasant experience. Not to
mention the huge dry-cleaning bill it resulted in. Rabbit
hunting season is now over. Bond hunting season has
just begun!"
Dozens of snowbunnies then appear from behind the
satellite dish. Realizing that he is hopelessly outnumbered
by the vicious snowbunnies, Bond has no choice but to
run towards the edge of the glacier and dive off. He
freefalls for several mintues and then seconds before
impact with the frozen tundra, Bond pulls a ripcord on
his belt and a series of airbags inflate all around him.
He then bounces several times before finally rolling to
a stop at the base of the glacier. "If it's good enough for
the Mars Pathfinder, it's good enough for me," remarks
Bond. He then removes his snow parka to reveal that he
is dressed in a neatly pressed Tuxedo. He walks over to
a parked snowmobile resting next to a beautiful red-head.
"What took you so long, James?" she asks.
"I ran into an old friend. But not to worry, without his
free HBO he'll be forced to watch network tv. Probably
go insane within a month."
They board the snowmobile and ride off into the sunset.
Cut to the title sequence, sung by Vonda Shepard:
"Why do men cheat, and go after cheap thrills...
I'm going shopping, gonna rack up some bills...
It's okay for a woman to cry...
We're much more sensitive than some dumb guy...
Sometimes we just need romance and love...
But most of the time, the world is not enough...
The world is not enough...
The world is not enough..."
Bubba Bob wrote:
>
>LONDON (Reuters) - Queen Elizabeth set the stage for an
>epic British constitutional battle Tuesday when she
>announced government plans to end the centuries-old right of
>hereditary aristocrats to sit in the upper House of Lords.
>Damn! What in the hell kind of government do you folks have
>over there?
It's called a 'monarchy'.
For f*** sake. Go and read the 'I-spy book of government'
before bugging us again, will you?
Subject: Re: Just a xmas tree thought...
From: William Pora
Newsgroups: alt.tv.friends
Yuyu8286 wrote:
>Since many people will be buying xmas trees around
>now...just wanted to say (or better yet, to quote)...
>
>"I'm against innocent trees being cut down in their prime,
>and their corpses grotesquely dressed in tinsel and twinkly
>lights. How do you sleep at night?" =)
On the plucked out feathers of a dead goose
POLITICALLY CORRECT SANTA
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'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh
The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
(c)Harvey Ehrlich, 1992
Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is
free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice
remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments,
questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to
mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays!
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